Maintenance; It’s All About Maintenance

maintenance

If we were to give any word of advice or an honest reflection on how to save a marriage it would have to be the need for maintenance.  It is all about maintenance.

If you own anything with an engine or moving parts, you are smart to have a maintenance plan.  If you have a job that requires any thought or action (name me one that doesn’t), you should have some training or education to keep up.  Maintenance.  Our own health requires personal care and ‘well’ visits to our health care provider.  Maintenance again.  Raising children?  Yep.  Lots of maintenance needs there.  Pets?  Maintenance.  Do you see where I am headed here?

It is standard operating procedure to maintain the things and skills important to us.  Why don’t we do the same for our relationships?  Especially our marriages?

Marriage maintenance – it’s a novel idea.

When my husband and I embarked on our remarriage, we added a caveat to our marriage contract.  We added the maintenance plan.

It was during our post divorce counseling sessions that the discussion focused on what we would have or should have done different during our marriage to prevent its demise.  I realized that we had done the pre-marriage preparation (Pre-Cana, Catholic pre-marriage counsel with our church and a couple who volunteered to guide us through the process), but by the time we searched out help, it was for a referee not marriage counsel.  The missing piece was to go for some kind, any kind, of marriage maintenance.   Post marriage counseling.   Kind of like a maintenance plan.

So, how does that look?  Well, for us, we attended a couple of marriage seminars, retreats and we facilitate a 12 week marriage group study in our home a couple times a year.  I can’t say that any one of them worked better than the others, however, they all have contributed to our marriage maintenance plan with success.

Marriage is not always easy or effortless.  It definitely is not for the weak either.  Like anything important to us, we need to nurture and care for it. We need to value it and celebrate it too.  Sometimes we even need to sacrifice for it.  I assure you, it is worthwhile.

It was enlightening to learn that there are psychological phases to our relationships.  I didn’t know this until we were in the rebuilding phase and it made so much sense.  These phases explain so much of why our first marriage fell apart the way it did.

The challenge for any relationship is to make it to phase 5.  I encourage everyone to strive for that.  I am thoroughly enjoying that our marriage is there finally and vow to continue our maintenance plan.

List borrowed from another site-

Phase 1: The Honeymoon

This is the romantic, passionate, stars-in-the-eyes phase. The sex is good and there is never enough of it. This doesn’t happen for all couples but as a rule, this strong attraction stage is laced with thinking about and wanting to be with, your new love.

Phase 2: Accommodation 

Even Romeo and Juliet had they been married, would have had to deal with the day-to-day realities. In the Accommodation Stage roles are established, expectations are set and compromises are made. It is here that disillusionment sets in and power struggles become evident. The other person’s habits, needs, anger and withdrawal patterns become uncomfortably clear. Intense conflict has the potential for developing during this stage. It is most advantageous to learn about problem solving, conflict management and communication during this stage.

Phase 3: The Challenge (Trouble in paradise)

A couple doesn’t really know how strong a relationship is until they deal with the challenges that life brings. Whether it is starting a new job, unemployment or the unfortunate occurrence of an accident or family illness, we all face challenges in life. The Challenge Stage lets the partners know what they can expect from each other during these demanding times.

Children and family crises are important factors during this stage. Each partner sets their own rules and expectations for raising children and how extended family issues should be handled. The challenge here is to be aware of this fact and find a successful compromise in meeting each other’s rules and expectations.

During the Challenge Phase there is a certain amount of disillusionment. The relationship is not what it was dreamed to be and one or both partners may be increasingly attracted to other people of the opposite sex. Sometimes, there is fantasizing about past loves. This is a time when the relationship is very vulnerable to unfaithfulness. How couples deal with this phase will determine the direction that it will take in the Crossroads Phase.

Phase 4: The Crossroads (What do I do at this stage of my life?)

Once couples reach this stage they have already experienced some challenges (e.g. medical or money problems) and now other life decisions will have to be made (e.g. to have children, where to live, how to spend money). This stage is different from the Challenge Phase because a number of challenges have already occurred and the couple has learned how each other responds in these situations. The emotional patterns of each are clear and they have established patterns of dealing with their differences. It is common for problems to arise in this stage, but because you have already experienced a great many shared challenges, you stand the best chance of working through these issues and getting to the Rebirth Stage. The three most common negative patterns for individuals to engage in during this stage are:

  1. Being resigned to sticking with the bad decision of staying in the relationship;
  2. Emotional withdrawal;
  3. Trying to force the other person into being different.

Phase 5: Rebirth (New marriage)

It is estimated that only 15% of all couples reach this stage. At this point, folks have figured out “the real person” they have married. To achieve it they will have successfully dealt with the Accommodation, Challenge and Crossroads Stages. In this phase, couples learn how and when to compromise and they truly (not on the surface) accept areas of differences with minimum resentment. In this stage couples learn to re-appreciate and re-love each other and:

• Focus on what is right with each other;
• Give each other the benefit of the doubt in conflict situations;
• Successfully manage and truly accept frustrations, disappointments and hurts;
• Agree to disagree and fully value each other even if they are totally unable to see things the same way;
• Have a give and take sexual relationship on a regular basis;
• Communicate in such a way they really listen to and hear each other;
• Can disagree with each other and be O.K with that;
• Recover from their disagreements within a short period of time;
• Constantly find things to appreciate about each other;
• Spend time relaxing and having fun on a weekly basis;
• Spend time talking about issues that come up in their relationship.

As for us, we look forward to continuing to share our story, to pray for marriage (ours and others), and to participating in our marriage maintenance plans.

God Bless Marriage and the Marriage Maintenance Programs!

 

 

 

 

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7 thoughts on “Maintenance; It’s All About Maintenance

  1. This is wonderful!!! Here is our blog post about the “maintenance” manual God put into our hands to rebuild our marriage after our divorce and remarriage. We were beyond maintenance, we were living lift full throttle with our Lord – who had brought us together miraculously since we were from two different states….

    1. I love how God works!! I did not know that wonderful part of your story…and was only hooked to your page by a camping story!
      I now have a feeling we have so much more in common and I look forward to learning and sharing more! Who knows? May even end up in a park together some day! ( We are only weekenders currently but frequently dream of following a similar path as you)

      1. That would be so awesome! We generally check in on our FaceBook page and we always check in on RVillage. If you are on the desktop version, we have links to both of those. We would LOVE to meet up with you two one day….Hear our Prayer Lord!

  2. Sorry, I kept thinking I posted it: ttps://thetumblelees.me/2011/08/10/chapter-6-prescription-for-the-best-marriage/
    We fell apart in our year 13. It shocked everyone as we looked like the perfect couple! We divorced then God performed a miracle and a year later we remarried and this book was our new marriage manual.
    For maintenance, we learned a marriage retreat is invaluable. So we began to attend them at church with friends. We also learned we needed a romantic vacation so started that as well. We then became facilitators after we took several marriage “seminars” at church. We loved loved loved it! We ended up having small groups with young couples as our last ministry before we relocated. Then we began to help the elderly in our church. Now we are the elderly!! LOL, we’re at 42 years married!

    1. I had to read what you wrote a couple times to believe how much alike our stories are!!!
      Just so blessed to have met you via the world online – and totally amazed at how similar our “maintenance” plans are as well as our journeys!!

      1. We’re so blessed – not many people get our miracle! I know for me, all I wanted was God’s Will for my daughter and I. I know that helped. It really was God who pulled us back together and His love that restored us!

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