The Last Catholic Kneeling in My Family

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Recently I was overwhelmed with a shocking sadness during mass. I was waiting my turn to receive communion at church and a daunting realization almost smothered me.

I was at my new neighborhood church, where I keep going back trying to let it become my new home. In many ways it is different from the church of my childhood and also from the church I have attended with my own family the last 24 years. I could drive the extra miles to attend either of those and possibly feel more comfortable, but the harsh reality would still remain. I am alone.

I can hardly believe that I am now the only one in my family who is a practicing Catholic. Practicing? Well, maybe participating Catholic is more appropriate. Funny that I am more confident in my faith now than in my previous 49 years, but now my family is not there to enjoy this same enlightenment. This after 24 years of attending as a full family as well as enjoying the opportunity to teach my own children and many others in CCD classes for most of those years.

I think the chaos became evident as the dust settled from my divorce. It had not occured to me how ostracized I would feel by catholicism when my family broke apart. All of a sudden, I was alone. The couple times I attended mass, raw with divorce pain, it seemed the priest would mention something during the homily about marriage – the blessing, the responsibility, the beauty of it. Every word was like salt in my wounds. Of course I avoided going for some time after that.

Finally, after a nice journey of recovery and healing in a protestant church ministry, Celebrate Recovery, with my (ex) husband, I have also regenerated my love of the Catholic faith and all it includes. I attend the protestant church with my husband, but have resumed going to the Catholic mass regularly too.

As special as the mass is, and the celebration of the Holy Eucharist especially, it is when I watch the other families attending together that the ache starts. The tears start to drop when I observe the new (or renewed) practice of kneeling to receive communion and how touching to see the husbands kneeling next to their wives receiving the Lord’s body together.

I would never have dreamed that I would be the last Catholic kneeling in my family. I pray, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, that it won’t always be this way.

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5 Comments Add yours

  1. Jessica Lauren (Adriel) says:

    There is much to ponder in your journey, for now I would remember the times you went to church as a family, and know that they remember too and will hopefully return one day. Thanks for sharing. Memories of the past, always conjure up emotion, even in a blog from a stranger… well you know what I mean!

  2. thank you. I do believe that the foundation was laid at the proper time in their lives… just gotta have faith that they will find their way back to it.

  3. oarubio says:

    I can relate to your pain of family separation from each other and the Church. Sometimes it is quite difficult. I try to remind myself that my heartache would be eased if I truly had faith. After all, God will fix everything, just in His own time. Hope it’s soon for all of us!

    1. Thank you for the response and for relating. To have family’s faith repaired, restored and rejuvenated would be awesome. That is definitely worthy of prayer. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit – AMEN!

  4. ardisanelson says:

    Thanks for stopping by my blog and liking my post “A Love Letter to God.” I am intrigued by how you found healing in CR as a Catholic. I attend CR and mass as well. It is a lonely and unique journey. I don’t see a way to connect with you other than through the comments. Would you send me your email address via my contact form:http://ardisanelson.com/contact-me-2/?

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